Dear Past

Hi. Sorry if this note make you feel uneasy. I can't sleep in this hour and I'm just staring my bedroom' wall like nothing. I don't know why but suddenly my mind ringing your name and face. Maybe because ever since you left me, my heart won't stay calm. It seeks someone who can replace you perfectly.

You know what, actually I thought I already met that person. We were so close to make everything want smoothly. But, in the end he left. He said he love me but still choose to leave. I kinda feel dejavu. The words, the feelings. Everything was totally same like before. Why does this thing happened twice in my life.

Up until now, I never forget my tears on the night you choose to leave me. And I never thought the same tears came again for the second time.

I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I don't want you to feel bad at me with this note. I just want you to know how I've been doing since you left.

Anyway congratulations on your wedding. You really kept your promised to take care of her and fulfilled every words you said to her. I'm proud of you. At the same time, I feel envious. Well that's what I have to be for being a woman.

For now I think I'm the most idiot person in the world. Because I've bow to myself to never let go of the person I love after you. Yes he left. But I still chased him up until now. I keep trying to get his attention, I make sure to always make him happy. I sacrificed everything. Everything. Even my future. Because my heart never been the same anymore.

At some point I felt like I'm better off dead. I even tried a few times but I failed. My body now has lot of scar. But I don't regret for what happened to my body because I don't love myself anymore. 

I wish, I really wish, that one day, all my pain and tears gonna swept away like a wind dancing in the air. I'm sorry I wrote you all of these.Because I don'y know where else should I confess to. 

Thanks for reading, and please, no hearty feeling okay. Wish you all the best in your life.

August 25 2018, Saturday

2.52am

-ekyl

Lost Year

Wow.

Suddenly it's 2018. I looked back at my old post and there's no single one for 2017. Interesting and weird and speechless.

What have I been doing for the past year? :)

I was going through the happiest life ever.

But now.

In this year, I lost them.

Why?

I don't know. I don't know how to put those feeling into words. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I don't know why everything so sudden lately.

I met someone. He was the best man I ever met. And had.

Everything suppose to be smooth and perfect.

But after all we've been through, after all we've been planned, after everything happened between us, Allah always the best planner.

Our meeting was a fate. And a big test.

Who should we blame? Who should I blame? I don't know anymore.

My life will never be the same after this.

So empty, my heart. So clueless, my future. What I want is not important anymore.

I just walking through the path of useless life from now.

I love him so much. He love me so much.

In the end, we still couldn't be together.

No one ever cheat on each other. We always stay faithful, trustworthy, encouraged each other, always have each other's back. Always. Always. Always love each other with all of our heart.

Promises has been made a lot of times. We swear a lot of things.

But why.

I lost him at the end.

And he choose to lose me too.

I want to understand him more.
I know to know him more.
I want to learn about him more.
I want to make memories with him more.
I want to walk together more.
I want to help him more.
I want to support him more.
I want to protect him more.
I want to have more times with him.
I want more and more and more with him.

I wanted to go back to the past so bad, and make more memories together.

It's so hurt. It's so pain.

This year is will be my worst year ever.

Tears will keep flowing every day.

I lost.