Ending?

So what happened yesterday and today were totally sucked. I was planning to complete my assignment but ended up getting shit in that place. At first, I was treated like a non-independent kid. I hold my ego because I don't want to repeat the same mistake again. But he pushed my limit to the end of the line and I can't hold anymore. That was the moment my evil self suddenly showed up. And yes, I got the punishment right after that. It was my mistake and I shortly realized that.

And so I took the most foolish path by hiding and running away from every single one who cared for me. I hide my tears away from them and push myself into the corner of nowhere. Few hours later, when he came back and hug me for the sign of saying his apologize, my tears suddenly stop. I tried to build up back my momentum in my life right after that.

But then something more fearsome already happened when I hide myself away in the gap of that few hours. He was already saying goodbye before he knew the truth. Because I didn't answered him when he showed how much he cared for me right after he knew I was in something troubled. Yes, I'm running even from him.

I thought maybe I can make him take back his words by trying to be nice again with him. At first, when he laughed I was thinking that I can get his heart again. And so, I purposely manipulated his heart so he won't get hurt. Yes, it was my trick to get him back like before.

The moment when I think everything is going to be okay, suddenly I've been dumped without I realized. Well, I get it.  So this is a punishment for me for sealing away my true self from you all this time? The most fear feelings that I tried to hide away finally has been answered. I don't know the real reason from your actions. In my prediction, maybe because of my attitude or because on how I treated you.

I bet you're already hating me little by little. If that is the truth, at least in the end you hated me for something that even not truth. Because deep inside my heart, I'm still hoping that one day if you learn the truth, you will see the real meaning of everything I've done without you knowing. I want you to cry, at least... even it's just a single tears... it's me that make you cry.

So yes, our endings is going to follow my second path of plan. Do you still remember when I told you that I had planned something for our future? I had. And it's not only a plan. It was two plan back then. My first plan will ended up to bring the happiness and the second one will goes oppositely. I'm not doing that because of my self lack confidence. But I am the type of person who always get curious if number one does not succeed, so I just be prepared. Little did I know, one of the path will lead us to the nothingness and irrelevant in each of our heart. Or you could say, it shouldn't be planned from the start, right?

Right now, we both still contact as usual like nothing happened. But I can feel the differences that you bring along in every of your words. Same like me, I treat you differently today. Maybe you noticed that and you choose to not say anything. I wonder if you keep treating me that way on purpose or you just don't want to disappear in sudden. But for me, if you're wondering the same things in your head, the reason I keep being with you is because I'm still hoping. Even I can see that we are walking through the path of my second plan each day, I still hope that we will turning back to start over. I don't know if that's possible. Future is mystery, right?

You know what, I want to tell you everything that happened to me everyday. Even the little things I did, I want to share it with you and only you. The happiness, sadness, everything. But one day you seem don't like people who always keeping their head down. You said you don't like the sad stories. So yesterday and some other days before that, I tried to not showing you the sadness that I faced everyday. You said you want to see me smiling. So I showed you what you want. I didn't be myself since that day. It's just I don't want you to hate me, I don't want to lose you.

When you said that you want to hear what happened with me yesterday, I was thinking two kind of things. My heart, my true self, want you to hear my voice in tears, I want you to hear every single words on why I raised up my voice to him. I want you to hear me cries. I want to express every single sadness that I've been buried deep down in my heart. I want you to feel what I feel.

Seconds after that, I suddenly remembered that you didn't like people who always keeping their head down. Then I was thinking that I treated you coldly in these few days and you didn't feel my happiness like old times. I was thinking that you will get annoying with my behavior if I keep showing you this sadness. That is the moment when my heart felt the fear of losing you. And so, with no option, I avoided from letting you hear all of those. At the end, I just told you the main thing of what happened, not the details. And I create the fake smile also.

Hey... Do you think this is how our deep relationship will end? Answer me... Do you still wish for the light to shine much brighter than our past life...?