Lazy Bum Uh

I'm bored tonight, so I did some throwback by reading my old post in this blog. Actually not all but only few months back. Then I thought, omg what have I done in my life. I've waste too much precious things and dreams. What do I suppose to do in my upcoming age. When I realise, I've post too many things about dreams, hopes, futures and all that kind of things, then I tries to look at myself in this present. And I'm like, oh damn what the heck am I doing being lazy bum and useless all days.

Yes I'm now a student again after about three years living as a career young lady - making money. I think this sudden change and decision that I took did really gave me some serious mental shock. Why? Cuz I ain't ready a single heart to achieve anything as a student. My mind still in a have-more-fun-while-being-young mode. I even purposely didn't submit any of my assignment during this past 2 sem.

I need to rethink what I've lived for in this life. What matters and what not. I'm at my 22 already. Well I even too lazy to finish this late night thought. Whatever. I think I will just let it be for now. Cuz I gotta finish my assignment by this week. Need to let my brain get in fresh mode so I can rethink rationally what I really want to do in my life, about my dreams and so on. 

Gotta go!

Late Night Thoughts

Dia kata nak datang hari Ahad ni. Aku rasa macam, serious ke? Apa yang ada dalam kepala aku is not excited or nervous tapi lebih kepada takut. Takut sebab aku rasa aku ni macam tak bersedia. Tak bersedia untuk terima hakikat kehilangan dia. Memang, jauh di sudut hati aku, aku harap urusan dia dipermudahkan untuk jumpa family aku dan seterusnya menghalalkan hubungan ni. Walaupun secara jujurnya aku masih lagi tiada rasa cinta yang tertanam di hati untuk dia, tapi aku yakin, rasa cinta itu akan hadir selepas terlafaznya akad olehnya nanti.
Semalam aku dihujani dengan soalan dari seorang stranger,

"Ada tak aku merindui seseorang?"

Aku cuba pejam mata, jujurkan hati sendiri, dan aku cuba cari insan yang aku rindui saat itu. Hakikatnya tiada.

Apa yang aku rindu setiap hari, bukannya akan kehadiran insan tapi aku rindukan ketenangan hati. Yang aku cari sejak peristiwa pahit itu.

"Tolong jaga hati, kita ni belum halal lagi".

Ayat yang selalu aku nak sampaikan pada dia. Tapi sampai hari ni aku gantungkan. Sebab aku rasa ini bukan ayat biasa, tapi ayat harapan. Aku taknak bagi dia harapan. Aku cuma nak dia yakin akan ketentuan takdir yang dia usahakan. Sebab aku tau sakitnya rasa bila harapan yang terbina runtuh tanpa penjelasan. Sebab dia pun pernah mengalami rasa kecewa.

Sampai hari ni jugak, dalam senyuman yang terukir hari-hari, aku masih lagi dihimpit kebimbangan, kerisauan, apa yang akan jadi andai dia tahu tentang kisah silam aku yang hina. Kadang bila dia melahirkan cerita kebencian tentang mereka yang pernah melalui kisah seperti masa silam aku, saat itu lah ketakutan menyelubungi aku umpama bayang-bayang gelap yang masih muncul walau tiada cahaya.

Apa penerimaan dia nanti, apa pandangan dia nanti, sejauh mana kebencian yang terlahir di hati dia pada aku nanti. Semua itu jadi ketakutan pada aku. Aku seboleh dan semahunya tidak mahu dia tahu rahsia di sebalik gelak tawa palsu yang aku reka untuk menutup khilaf diri.

Entahlah, malam ni dia kata emosi dia tak stabil. Dan dia kata itu kerana aku. Dia kata dia sayangkan hati dia. Apa yang aku buat sampai dia rasa terseksa? Adakah kerana aku dan dia sering menghabiskan masa bersama, lalu itu yang menjadi punca dia berfikir terlalu jauh hingga hati dia tersakiti oleh emosinya sendiri? Aku tak mahu dia mengalirkan air mata seperti insan yang pernah kehilangan aku sebelum ini.

Kalaupun dia ingin pergi, aku tak halang dia sebab rasa cinta itu tak pernah hadir dalam hati aku. Tapi aku tak mahu asbab dia pergi itu kerana terpaksa melepaskan hatinya yang telah mula berharap pada aku. Dia sudah matang, aku harap dia boleh kawal hati dia setabah mungkin. Kadang sebenarnya aku memang sengaja menjauhi dia saban hari. Aku mahu menjaga kemanisan persahabatan ini. Dia sahabat yang tak pernah mengecewakan aku. Kerana itu aku sayang dia.

Nama yang aku pernah sebut di dalam hati saat aku berada di puncak Jabal Rahmah. Berikan dia kekuatan Ya Rabb.

- written on March 30, 2016

- 12.16am

by: ekyl

That's Who I Am

I once experienced a very dark life. Somehow whenever I see someone being consume by an evil heart, I became curious of their reason behind those action. I would like to enter and feel how terrible and hard their struggle is to fight their weakness. It’s like a feeling of wanting to save them and bring them a hand to the rightful path.

I’m not a light nor a dark. I’m just someone who tries so hard to overcome what we called fear. And sometimes I failed. Not to say there’s countless times I succeed too. I can easily overcome my fear if I enter a strange environment. Because at the place where I know nobody, then that is the time when my mind would say to me “those negativity doesn’t know who you are”, and I will become someone people would admire.

I hate to go back to the place where my spirit and fear always surrounding me. It’ll just make my intensity goes blank. I always wanted to be strong. But everytime I tries to show people how strong I am, I will just keep doing mistakes by showing them my weakness. And I’m the kind of person who hates being seen of her weakness, so I keep running away.

But well I guess that’s who I am. The first person who acknowledge my strenght is him. My very last person I’ve loved so far. Well even we’re already not talking to each other. But I still remember the promise we made to each other “The next person we love must be the person we must love until forever, and never forget the warm memories even we will nevet meet again”