Lazy Bum Uh

I'm bored tonight, so I did some throwback by reading my old post in this blog. Actually not all but only few months back. Then I thought, omg what have I done in my life. I've waste too much precious things and dreams. What do I suppose to do in my upcoming age. When I realise, I've post too many things about dreams, hopes, futures and all that kind of things, then I tries to look at myself in this present. And I'm like, oh damn what the heck am I doing being lazy bum and useless all days.

Yes I'm now a student again after about three years living as a career young lady - making money. I think this sudden change and decision that I took did really gave me some serious mental shock. Why? Cuz I ain't ready a single heart to achieve anything as a student. My mind still in a have-more-fun-while-being-young mode. I even purposely didn't submit any of my assignment during this past 2 sem.

I need to rethink what I've lived for in this life. What matters and what not. I'm at my 22 already. Well I even too lazy to finish this late night thought. Whatever. I think I will just let it be for now. Cuz I gotta finish my assignment by this week. Need to let my brain get in fresh mode so I can rethink rationally what I really want to do in my life, about my dreams and so on. 

Gotta go!

Late Night Thoughts

Dia kata nak datang hari Ahad ni. Aku rasa macam, serious ke? Apa yang ada dalam kepala aku is not excited or nervous tapi lebih kepada takut. Takut sebab aku rasa aku ni macam tak bersedia. Tak bersedia untuk terima hakikat kehilangan dia. Memang, jauh di sudut hati aku, aku harap urusan dia dipermudahkan untuk jumpa family aku dan seterusnya menghalalkan hubungan ni. Walaupun secara jujurnya aku masih lagi tiada rasa cinta yang tertanam di hati untuk dia, tapi aku yakin, rasa cinta itu akan hadir selepas terlafaznya akad olehnya nanti.
Semalam aku dihujani dengan soalan dari seorang stranger,

"Ada tak aku merindui seseorang?"

Aku cuba pejam mata, jujurkan hati sendiri, dan aku cuba cari insan yang aku rindui saat itu. Hakikatnya tiada.

Apa yang aku rindu setiap hari, bukannya akan kehadiran insan tapi aku rindukan ketenangan hati. Yang aku cari sejak peristiwa pahit itu.

"Tolong jaga hati, kita ni belum halal lagi".

Ayat yang selalu aku nak sampaikan pada dia. Tapi sampai hari ni aku gantungkan. Sebab aku rasa ini bukan ayat biasa, tapi ayat harapan. Aku taknak bagi dia harapan. Aku cuma nak dia yakin akan ketentuan takdir yang dia usahakan. Sebab aku tau sakitnya rasa bila harapan yang terbina runtuh tanpa penjelasan. Sebab dia pun pernah mengalami rasa kecewa.

Sampai hari ni jugak, dalam senyuman yang terukir hari-hari, aku masih lagi dihimpit kebimbangan, kerisauan, apa yang akan jadi andai dia tahu tentang kisah silam aku yang hina. Kadang bila dia melahirkan cerita kebencian tentang mereka yang pernah melalui kisah seperti masa silam aku, saat itu lah ketakutan menyelubungi aku umpama bayang-bayang gelap yang masih muncul walau tiada cahaya.

Apa penerimaan dia nanti, apa pandangan dia nanti, sejauh mana kebencian yang terlahir di hati dia pada aku nanti. Semua itu jadi ketakutan pada aku. Aku seboleh dan semahunya tidak mahu dia tahu rahsia di sebalik gelak tawa palsu yang aku reka untuk menutup khilaf diri.

Entahlah, malam ni dia kata emosi dia tak stabil. Dan dia kata itu kerana aku. Dia kata dia sayangkan hati dia. Apa yang aku buat sampai dia rasa terseksa? Adakah kerana aku dan dia sering menghabiskan masa bersama, lalu itu yang menjadi punca dia berfikir terlalu jauh hingga hati dia tersakiti oleh emosinya sendiri? Aku tak mahu dia mengalirkan air mata seperti insan yang pernah kehilangan aku sebelum ini.

Kalaupun dia ingin pergi, aku tak halang dia sebab rasa cinta itu tak pernah hadir dalam hati aku. Tapi aku tak mahu asbab dia pergi itu kerana terpaksa melepaskan hatinya yang telah mula berharap pada aku. Dia sudah matang, aku harap dia boleh kawal hati dia setabah mungkin. Kadang sebenarnya aku memang sengaja menjauhi dia saban hari. Aku mahu menjaga kemanisan persahabatan ini. Dia sahabat yang tak pernah mengecewakan aku. Kerana itu aku sayang dia.

Nama yang aku pernah sebut di dalam hati saat aku berada di puncak Jabal Rahmah. Berikan dia kekuatan Ya Rabb.

- written on March 30, 2016

- 12.16am

by: ekyl

That's Who I Am

I once experienced a very dark life. Somehow whenever I see someone being consume by an evil heart, I became curious of their reason behind those action. I would like to enter and feel how terrible and hard their struggle is to fight their weakness. It’s like a feeling of wanting to save them and bring them a hand to the rightful path.

I’m not a light nor a dark. I’m just someone who tries so hard to overcome what we called fear. And sometimes I failed. Not to say there’s countless times I succeed too. I can easily overcome my fear if I enter a strange environment. Because at the place where I know nobody, then that is the time when my mind would say to me “those negativity doesn’t know who you are”, and I will become someone people would admire.

I hate to go back to the place where my spirit and fear always surrounding me. It’ll just make my intensity goes blank. I always wanted to be strong. But everytime I tries to show people how strong I am, I will just keep doing mistakes by showing them my weakness. And I’m the kind of person who hates being seen of her weakness, so I keep running away.

But well I guess that’s who I am. The first person who acknowledge my strenght is him. My very last person I’ve loved so far. Well even we’re already not talking to each other. But I still remember the promise we made to each other “The next person we love must be the person we must love until forever, and never forget the warm memories even we will nevet meet again”

Ending?

So what happened yesterday and today were totally sucked. I was planning to complete my assignment but ended up getting shit in that place. At first, I was treated like a non-independent kid. I hold my ego because I don't want to repeat the same mistake again. But he pushed my limit to the end of the line and I can't hold anymore. That was the moment my evil self suddenly showed up. And yes, I got the punishment right after that. It was my mistake and I shortly realized that.

And so I took the most foolish path by hiding and running away from every single one who cared for me. I hide my tears away from them and push myself into the corner of nowhere. Few hours later, when he came back and hug me for the sign of saying his apologize, my tears suddenly stop. I tried to build up back my momentum in my life right after that.

But then something more fearsome already happened when I hide myself away in the gap of that few hours. He was already saying goodbye before he knew the truth. Because I didn't answered him when he showed how much he cared for me right after he knew I was in something troubled. Yes, I'm running even from him.

I thought maybe I can make him take back his words by trying to be nice again with him. At first, when he laughed I was thinking that I can get his heart again. And so, I purposely manipulated his heart so he won't get hurt. Yes, it was my trick to get him back like before.

The moment when I think everything is going to be okay, suddenly I've been dumped without I realized. Well, I get it.  So this is a punishment for me for sealing away my true self from you all this time? The most fear feelings that I tried to hide away finally has been answered. I don't know the real reason from your actions. In my prediction, maybe because of my attitude or because on how I treated you.

I bet you're already hating me little by little. If that is the truth, at least in the end you hated me for something that even not truth. Because deep inside my heart, I'm still hoping that one day if you learn the truth, you will see the real meaning of everything I've done without you knowing. I want you to cry, at least... even it's just a single tears... it's me that make you cry.

So yes, our endings is going to follow my second path of plan. Do you still remember when I told you that I had planned something for our future? I had. And it's not only a plan. It was two plan back then. My first plan will ended up to bring the happiness and the second one will goes oppositely. I'm not doing that because of my self lack confidence. But I am the type of person who always get curious if number one does not succeed, so I just be prepared. Little did I know, one of the path will lead us to the nothingness and irrelevant in each of our heart. Or you could say, it shouldn't be planned from the start, right?

Right now, we both still contact as usual like nothing happened. But I can feel the differences that you bring along in every of your words. Same like me, I treat you differently today. Maybe you noticed that and you choose to not say anything. I wonder if you keep treating me that way on purpose or you just don't want to disappear in sudden. But for me, if you're wondering the same things in your head, the reason I keep being with you is because I'm still hoping. Even I can see that we are walking through the path of my second plan each day, I still hope that we will turning back to start over. I don't know if that's possible. Future is mystery, right?

You know what, I want to tell you everything that happened to me everyday. Even the little things I did, I want to share it with you and only you. The happiness, sadness, everything. But one day you seem don't like people who always keeping their head down. You said you don't like the sad stories. So yesterday and some other days before that, I tried to not showing you the sadness that I faced everyday. You said you want to see me smiling. So I showed you what you want. I didn't be myself since that day. It's just I don't want you to hate me, I don't want to lose you.

When you said that you want to hear what happened with me yesterday, I was thinking two kind of things. My heart, my true self, want you to hear my voice in tears, I want you to hear every single words on why I raised up my voice to him. I want you to hear me cries. I want to express every single sadness that I've been buried deep down in my heart. I want you to feel what I feel.

Seconds after that, I suddenly remembered that you didn't like people who always keeping their head down. Then I was thinking that I treated you coldly in these few days and you didn't feel my happiness like old times. I was thinking that you will get annoying with my behavior if I keep showing you this sadness. That is the moment when my heart felt the fear of losing you. And so, with no option, I avoided from letting you hear all of those. At the end, I just told you the main thing of what happened, not the details. And I create the fake smile also.

Hey... Do you think this is how our deep relationship will end? Answer me... Do you still wish for the light to shine much brighter than our past life...?

Fear

I almost forgot when is the last time I typed, "I'm okay" while crying. It's been awhile since I've shared all my problems to someone who understand me. I've been faking all my emotions, my jokes, my happiness and my true self to the world. I didn't even realized when did I decided to put myself in a place where nobody could found. The first thing I only knew when he knocked my heart, I've already been too far from everyone. That is the moment I started feel more irritating and live in fear.

I wish to be given the ability to erase people's memories. Especially the memories from the people who sacrifies their heart to protect me, from the people who were willing to give everything they had including their precious heart to a witch like me. Some of them, I did it on purpose and sometimes its happened by coincidence.

Once, I loved the wrong person, cried for the wrong reason. But one thing is for sure that I keep believe in, mistakes help me to find the right thing in the future. I kept telling myself, there is no such thing that I had to regret in my life when I lose one person I've loved. That is not the biggest fear that I have to endure. Because losing one person just make me losing someone in my life. The fear that I've been running from is my own weakness, and when I keep running away, I didn't realize that I've actually been losing myself little by little. That is what makes me feel that I'm going to lose everything.

The world said that I am a brave girl. I am full of courage. I am different from the other.  I am full of desire. I am destined to bring the change to the world. I am special for who I am. All of these compliments only makes me fall deeper into the pit of fear that I created between my dream and reality. I live in fear because of all the hopes. I'm scared enough if someone out there could notice my weakness spot. And I'm scared enough that I couldn't face the reality if the people in my future able to gain the truth of the dark past of mine. I'm scared if that are going to be happened, I will put myself into the nothingness where the life will go irrelevent.

The darkness within my heart is what's creating this dark cave. It's reflecting the dark feelings that are in my heart. I've got to throw those feelings away. Throw them out!

Someone... help me...

Entah

Entahlah. Aku ni bukan nak kata takde perasaan. Tapi cuma sebab dah terlalu lali. Serius aku cakap, dia tak kenal aku. Memanglah aku tengah nak berubah. Kadang-kadang aku sendiri dihantui dengan kisah silam aku, ketakutan tu datang tiba-tiba je. Aku cuba kuatkan semangat. Aku dah nekad, dah janji pada diri sendiri, pada walid dengan ummi, pada Allah, aku taknak dah buat tu semua. Aku takut, kalau bila dia tau tentang aku, dia pun akan jadi macam orang lain. Manusia ni hati dia kita tak boleh baca.

Banyak yang aku pendam. Sejak dari aku tinggalkan Pro Vending lagi. Aku tau apa yang jadi ada hikmah. Sekarang pun aku dah nampak semua jawapan dari apa yang terjadi dan menimpa aku sebelum ni. Buat aku lagi sedar, dan insaf dengan apa yang dah jadi. Satu demi satu Allah tunjuk depan mata aku dengan bayang sebenar.

Serius, dia ni baik sangat. Walaupun ada kelemahan, tapi apalah sangat nak dibandingkan dengan keburukan aku. Macam tak layak. Aku ni kalau boleh nak buang je jauh-jauh semua orang. Haha teruk kan aku ni.

Ramai yang cantas aku, diorang cakap aku ni tak pandai nak menghargai orang yang ambil berat pasal aku. Dan yang paling teruk, aku diuji dengan kehadiran makin ramai orang yang prihatin dengan aku. Orang pandang benda ni macam 'wahh untungnya dia', tapi pada aku, aku pandang sebagai ujian. Nak lepas ujian ni bukannya senang, sebab makin banyak hati yang aku akan lukakan.

Hati manusia ni sifatnya berubah-ubah. Aku harap hati aku ditetapkan kali ini.